Wednesday, September 21, 2016

FearLESS

Is it weird to say that I admire my childhood self? 

When I was younger, I did whatever I wanted without fear or hesitation. I didn't let my emotions cloud my judgement. I wasn't afraid of the dark. I wasn't anxious about getting lost when exploring new places. I wasn't overly conscious of how I carried myself when meeting new people and making friends. I wasn't afraid of getting hurt, physically or emotionally. I just did what made me feel HAPPY. 

My favorite fearless memory that I still reflect on quite often was the day I learned how to confidently ride a bike. I was ecstatic to be riding steadily, so I decided to explore my neighborhood. Little did I know, I'd return home about an hour later with a broken bicycle, sprained fingers, and a hideously bloody right leg. 

I still picture my freckled, smiling face pedaling with all my might in the warm afternoon sunlight. I still remember the thrill of going down hills with my hair flowing and slowly becoming a tangled mess beneath my helmet.

Then, the euphoric moment turned into disaster. I was going too fast around a corner, and my depth perception of how close I was actually riding next to a building was WAY OFF. My left hand, wrapped around the handle bar, smashed into the corner of a building, crushing my fingers. 

My handle bars spun counter-clockwise, and I was tossed from my bike into the air. I had a brief out of body experience, watching myself being thrown through the air. I realized how blissfully stupid and careless I had been. I landed on my knees, slid a few feet, and didn't stop until my right leg was trapped beneath a chain linked fence. 

I still remember pulling the fence off my thigh and sliding my leg out from beneath. Despite the obviously dreadful state I was in, I didn't shed a single tear. I composed myself, limped back to my bike, and slowly made my way back home literally laughing out loud at how much of an idiot I was. 

I still have a faint scar on my right thigh from the chain link fence, and whenever I look at my scar, I'm always reminded of my innate fearlessness as a child. 

I want to be that way again. I want to live fearlessly. And I know it's possible, because it once was ME. I don't want to feel anxious anymore. I don't want to be afraid to express myself. I want to be completely and unapologetically ME.

Now, when I find myself paralyzed by fear, I do my best to remind myself that the fear only exists in my head. I've done so many scary things already, and I managed to make it through everything unscathed. 

I refuse to let fear stand in the way of my happiness. I've learned this past year that everything I want in life is on the other side of fear. It's beyond my reach, outside of my comfort zone. If I want to live my life to its fullest and have everything I've ever wanted, I need to believe in myself and do it in spite of my fears and hesitation.

I know I won't become fearless overnight, but I can start by fearing LESS

XO,
Denise